


everything ill never tell you

by katieslamepoetry



Category: Original Work
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:34:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21984499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katieslamepoetry/pseuds/katieslamepoetry
Summary: POV: Writing letters to people who are in different parts of your life: some of them still present, some in the grave, some your friends, and some your foes. You tell them everything that you never told them and everything that you wish that you told them in the first place but you never had the strength to, so you write it down and hope they care enough to read it someday.
Kudos: 1





	1. dear Victoria,

dear Victoria,

You are probably the last person that I should be writing to, for a fear that I may someway, somehow, write you into the current chapter of my story. I know that you, of course, will never physically read this, but the stars somehow tell me that you are among them and may just be watching my every word as I type this out to you.

I think for the most part, you were my first love. You were the first person that ever taught me what it was like to love someone and somehow still be hurt by them at the same time. It was okay though, because the pain you gave me four years ago is nothing compared to the pain you gave me when I found out the news.

I hate that I didn’t check in on you sooner. It was my sophomore year that really hurt me the most and it appears that is also what hit you the most. The same year I was contemplating suicide the most, you had actually gone through with it. I mean, it shouldn’t have hurt. You were just a girl I met on the Internet... right? But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t just let you be a girl that I met on the Internet. 

I constantly think about the song you wrote me and sent me on a late night like this. We stayed awake quite the bit and I fell asleep. I woke up to a video you posted on one of your accounts with you singing while playing the piano. I’ll never forget the words:

_Ever since I ever first talked to you,_

_Ever since I ever first saw your smile,_

_I knew- I knew, you had to be mine._

_And now you are, and I promise you,_

_that I’ll never leave your side._

_And I promise you,_

_I have your back till the day that we die._

_I promise you,_

_I promise you._

It really breaks my heart to see that you had promised so much and didn’t keep it. You had my back until WE died. We were destined to do it together, I thought. I tried reaching out to your family to recover the video of you singing the song you wrote me, but they tried and tried and to no avail. Your family seems sweet. Your brother, of course, shuts it out like it didn’t happen, but we all know that’s how he is. We all know he’s trying to hide the pain. Sometimes I wish I had the ability to do that. To pretend that I can forget you, but the truth is that I can’t. I can’t forget you. And I promise you until the day that I die that I will not forget you. 

I wish I told you that I loved you. I loved you then and I love you still. I’m in love with a girl whose ashes are who knows where. But, I love you. I never plan on stopping either. I hope you know that.

With love,

Your Precious Gem.


	2. dear Avery,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> POV: Your best friend that helped you cope after the death of your ex-girlfriend.

Dear Avery,

I never understood why the stars had us meet underneath the circumstances that we did. I never understood why someone I loved- someone _we_ loved had to die in order for us to start a beautiful friendship.

In a way though, I feel like the universe knew that we needed each other. I needed you to show me that it was going to be okay, despite the fact that it might not ever be okay again.

I remember when we first met and you were dating Angelo and I hated how badly he treated you. Eventually, I was able to tell you I had some feelings for you, but you chose him anyways, regardless of the toxicity. Nevertheless, I always respected you for that. I’m glad that you got over me, because you would probably be a lot better off without me. I think that you still need me sometimes though, so I hang on. 

It’s been over a year since we became friends and now you have a new boyfriend. His name is Corey and I don’t really like him either. I don’t think it’s because I still have feelings for you, but more of an instinct that he is somewhat just like Angelo. I don’t like it. I don’t want to see you hurt again.

But, you never judge me for my relationships. Which, we both know, I’m very bad at keeping them together. I want to be happy, with just one person. But... the one person I want, Gracie, will never choose me no matter how hard I try. I like that you’re the only person I’ve told that too. I like that you’re the only one who understands me in that area. You know that despite everything, I’d choose her over anyone. 

Im trying to move on. You know, I think that I like a lot of people. I think everyone knows that about me. I have lots of feelings for people but there’s always that one person I think about, night and day. You’re the only one who truly understands that.

I always felt bad that you could only tell your mom negative things about me. I know it isn’t your fault. I’m sorry about that. I just hate that I’ll always be this kid who fucked up her daughter’s life in her eyes. But, nevertheless, I hope you know that I’m trying. I really am trying. I thank you for being here. I want you to know that despite everything, you’re going to be here in my heart forever and you’re welcome to always come back into my life no matter what.

love always,

Your Best Friend


	3. Dear Ember,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> POV: A girl that you called ugly but you really never thought she was ugly and you just had way too many feelings for her, but she ends up becoming your best friend.

Dear Ember,

I feel like I owe you a countless amount of apologies. I called you ugly but I never truly meant it. Truthfully, I am the ugly one. I really hated how happy you were. You had a great love life, your family seems really supportive of you. Everything just seemed like you had it all together and I’ve had nothing together in my life. I wanted someone to love me the same way that you loved Eric (Or as I like to call him, Finn.) and the same way that Eric loved you.

Not only that, but I also had so many feelings for you that I didn’t know how to deal with it. I’m not sure if I loved the thought of being with you or the thought of someone as amazing as you loving me back. I don’t think I love you or have romantic interest in you anymore, but it breaks my heart that I ever said something like that to you. 

If the truth be told, you are one of the minimal people that I feel like I could trust. You are the most genuine and real person that I know. I doubt that you’d ever talk shit about me even though I probably deserve it the most. 

I wish I could be more like you. You are honestly so perfect. It isn’t a “WOW, I’m in love with you!” type of perfect. It’s the type of perfect that makes me gawk in amazement at how much I wish I could have anything that you did. Maybe the supportive parents, maybe the loving family, even the ability to love simply one person would make me content in life.

Im sorry for all the times that I have let you down. I’m sorry that I can’t start a conversation with you without sending a meme. I’m sorry that I can’t make up words to muster up that I’m probably jealous of everything you are that I am not. I’m simply sorry. I hope you know I love you. I hope you know that I’m always here even though I’m a really awful friend. I regret everything I’ve ever done to hurt you and I hope you aren’t insecure about any part of yourself because of me. I love you.

With love,

Your Matching T-Shirt Buddy 


	4. dear Angie,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> POV: A girl you met who has a girlfriend but you dunno how you exactly feel about her so you’re writing this while listening to Hey There Delilah and crying.

dear Angie,

I’m not exactly sure where to start this. I think you and I are very compatible with each other, but I’m not sure how. I wouldn’t say that I have feelings for you, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I do. I think that part of me would be 100% okay with it if I did have feelings for you, but the other part of me knows that you have someone else and I’m happy for you.

Im always going to happy for you. I’m happy as long as you’re happy, and I’m sad if you appear to be. I’ve only known you for a short while, but I think we click very well. I think we’re either destined to be in each other’s lives or you will seriously f*ck mine up. You just seem like that type of person.

On that note, I also feel like you’re never the type to hurt someone. You have a good heart and a sweet soul. I think I need you in my life, but I’m not sure how. I’m happy you’re in it though. You give me those “friendship butterflies” too and I love that about us.


	5. dear Allison,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> POV: The first girl who you considered abusive in a relationship.

Dear Allison,

You are the first person who comes to mind when I think of toxic. But— don’t get me wrong when I say that we both were. We both had our flaws and in some ways, we were abusive to each other. 

It started off with the little things like making fun of my eyeliner. Then it turned into how we would raise our family. Family? I know, you didn’t even want kids. But I wanted a big family and I wanted you, too, so we settled for one. Maybe two if I could convince you that you could teach them how to play baseball properly.

I think deep down you’d make a good parent. Better than your mother, at least. I recall this one time we were discussing how when little kids try to throw a ball, they completely fail and it is so cute yet so hilarious. You laughed at that for at least ten minutes.

I really did think that we could have worked, but maybe thinking that only caused me more harm than good. We were never the nicest to each other: not during our fights. We never had a discussion. We had screaming, blocking, unblocking, and makeup sex. Maybe that was on me. Maybe I caused that.

I think if anything , I learned from you that it IS possible to love and hate someone at the same time. It’s clear to me that you will never change. 

When I cheated on you while you were away at boot camp, I cried for hours until you got home. You didn’t even get mad. You were comforting at first. The first time I met you, you told me “once a cheat, always a cheat.” When talking about your ex—

Never did I ever think that would be what you thought of me. I never thought that you could hate me so much. You’re the type of person that I was going to love regardless of what happened. Even after the night you grabbed my wrists in a fight and I screamed at you to stop acting like my father, you immediately stopped and tried to comfort me. You apologized numerous times because you didn’t want me to see you as the same nasty creature he was. You didn’t want me to see you the same way you saw your parents.

I think parts of me will always love you, too. There’s certain types of people you can’t manage to let go in life. And you? You, my dear, have taught me that. Even though you hate me and prefer to date girls with ramen addictions now, I have nothing against you. 

In twenty years, I wouldn’t be surprised if the world found a way to put you back into my life. But as of now, there is no reason for me to welcome you back in. Though, I might even if you considered a friendship.

I don’t want to get back together with you. In fact, I am still madly in love with this girl named Gracie. She’s a natural-born redhead and god, the first time I saw her, I remembered what happiness felt like. I remembered that things MIGHT be okay someday. She gave me a little bit of hope in the world. She’ll never love me back, but she still makes me hold on to her even though I know it’s hopeless. 

I promise that if I ever got the privilege to be with her, I won’t ever treat her the way we treated each other. No one will use each other for sex. No one will grab each other’s wrists. There will definitely not be any yelling. She’s actually quite sensitive to it and I do my best to not raise my voice around her. She’s the sweetest girl that I have ever met, and I hope she sees her true value someday. I won’t ever hurt her. I think I already have and that has hurt me more than anything. But, if I were given the choice between the two of you, I’d still choose her. Not because you’re toxic, not because I love her more, not because of the feeling she gives me: but because I know most of all that I can trust her. I know that she won’t lie to me. I won’t have to worry about her being angry at me. She’ll tell me if things hurt her, and if she doesn’t, I’m smart enough to figure it out, because I wouldn’t let anything bad happen to her. I just hope she knows that.

I guess in the end, Ali Gatie was wrong. It’s not you. It isn’t always you. I will meet a lot of people, but if I close my eyes, I’m sure lots of them will feel like you. You did break my heart and you did tear me apart. I didn’t know what it was like to be broken until after spending 6 months on you. You broke me and I’m scared they will break me again. I’m delicate now because of you, but I know exactly how it all starts now because of you. We both caused more harm than good.


	6. Dear Kirin,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> POV: A mutual ex-girlfriend of yours and your other ex-girlfriend who wasted 8 months of your life and she tells everyone that you’re problematic.

Dear Kirin,

I’m not even going to ask for your consent to write this. Why? Because it’s my story, my life, and my perspective. I don’t need your permission to have feelings. I wish I knew that a long time ago because you never accepted my feelings. You always made me feel down for having them.

You tell everyone I’m problematic and basically make me sound like a slut, all because we both dated the same girl and I was friends with Tiffany. You say that I was flirting with her, but you also say that I was flirting with you. Maybe your small brain had never quite figured out that I am like this with everyone. I’m not sure why it is taking you so long to figure that out.

Im aware that this probably sounds harsh and you more than likely don’t think that I mean it, but I do. I never had feelings for Tiffany. I wouldn’t go for someone who had just gotten out of a relationship. You see, I’m in love with someone: someone who has never let me down, someone who understands my feelings, someone who actually allows me to have them.

When we were talking beforehand, you would get upset with me because I was upset you were dating Elli. You were still like this when you were dating Alondra. After 8 months of that hell hole, I finally had you to myself... for three days. You blamed it on the distance, but we were only distant because you were “busy.” From the looks of it, you were avoiding me though. That’s what I have always been upset about.

I never cared if you loved Elli or Alondra or even our ex. I cared that you weren’t putting in the effort when I always did my best to give you 100%.

I know you think I’m crazy, but I promise you that I’m not. Im simply angry.

I’m angry that you never saw it the way I see it. Im not crazy, I was crazy for you. I was crazy enough to fall in love with you, that’s for sure, but I was never crazy enough to gain some “stalker” habits as you like to tell all your friends.

I NEVER wanted to hurt you, but starting today I’ve learned to treat others the same way they treat you. So, you’ll remain under my block list: you and Tiffany both. It’s not because I wanted either of you. It’s because I cared about you enough to actually try and be nice to you and to your friends and you turn it into something else and I strongly take offense to that. I will NEVER love you the way I used to, and I hope you see that.

kind regards,

A bitter bitch. 


	7. Dear Alexia,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> POV: The girl you love but you know that her girlfriend doesn’t approve and you’re INLOVE with someone else way more than you are her, but you can’t seem to let her go either.

Dear Lex,

Theres no easy way to tell you this because let’s be honest, I’d never tell you this to your face. I know that you’re just going to be mad at me when you read this, but it’s the only thing I can do to express how I feel.

I need you to know that I love you. I love you romantically, yes. But, Alexia, you chose Sophie over me. You chose someone else over me and you can’t have both of us. I hate sharing you. I don’t even think I’m actually into sharing someone, I think I just like to screw around sometimes if I’m not actually into the person. 

Im going to be honest when I say that.. I am madly in love with someone else. Yes, before you ask, it is Gracie. Gracie doesn’t hurt me—not like you do. She actually makes me feel safe. With you, I constantly feel like I am begging for your attention. Some days, you and I are good. But most days, I sit there and wonder why you have to cheat on her with me. I wonder why I can’t be just yours.

I can’t get mad at you for it, though. Because, honestly, I would probably choose Gracie over you. She’s offered nothing but kindness to me. She’s only raised her voice at me once and it was because she was uncomfortable. It made me happy that she was able to speak her feelings. You never share your feelings. I have no idea how you actually feel about me.

Another thing that makes me upset with our relationship is that.. well, you and I could never properly announce it even if you didn’t have Sophia. You told everyone that I was psychotic. You told people I threatened to kill myself when you wanted to leave. But that never happened! I would NEVER kill my self over you. I’d never kill myself over a girl, especially not one whose halfway across the country. You’ve hurt me, Alexia. I cried so many tears over you.

I don’t think you know many girls that would sneak out of cheerleading just to call you at work. I doubt that even Sophia would do that. But, here’s the thing. As much as I love you, at some point, I know that I need to let you go. I know that Sophia probably isn’t this heartless monster that I have made her out to be. I don’t think you are either. In fact, you have a huge heart, which is apparently big enough to fit two people in it. You will always have a special place in my heart and I will love you dearly. But, I love Gracie. I want you to know that. I’m in love with her. And I’m sorry if I’m not enough for you, but I guess that means I’m not satisfied with you either because I love her. I love her and if I had the opportunity right now, I’d make her mine and I’d never let go. I know I wouldn’t regret it.

Please don’t get mad about what this girl does to me. I can’t help it. I’m sorry. I’m in love.

Shes the type of girl that would spoil the hell out of me. I would never ask her to. I don’t want her to, but I know that she’s give me piggy-back rides and buy me cute jewelry. I never would want that, but if it’s from her, I’d treasure it completely. I never wanted someone to treat me— I’ve always been the one to treat someone else. But she’d take me out to get my nails done, and she’d make tik toks with me even though we both can’t dance. She’d make me laugh. She’d let me steal every single one of her hoodies. She’d be happy and I would be too. I don’t think you’d ever be able to give me that fulfillment and happiness. I’m so sorry.

Love Always,

Your Baby.

p.s. I wanted to end this with “LOOSEY GOOSEY” but I’m baby so deal with it.


	8. dear sage,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> POV: A boy who was your first almost everything who ended up getting a girl pregnant and lied about who the mother of his child was.

dear sage,

you were the first boy I had ever truly loved. you were probably the first boy to have ever truly loved me, too. that was, until you got kaylee pregnant. then she had your son. then I find out a year later from your new fiancée who hates me that kaylee was your son’s mother all along.

how am I supposed to feel? how do I let things go? Even if I do not love you, how do I let the fact that you LIED to me go. it was worse when you let your fiancée talk down on me. i would never have done that to you, but you let her do it to me. you let her talk down on my abuse. you let her talk down on me being raped because she was raped too, so her rape invalidated mine somehow.

this could’ve been me. i could have been pregnant. i could’ve been your fiancée. but you showed me that 7 years with someone won’t mean sh*t to them if they find someone else. you taught me not how to look at a seed and see a flower, but to see a seed and watch it be planted. it will hope to grow, maybe even sprout. the sunshine will pour down on it with its rays of happiness and it will rain perfect droplets of water along the dirt patch, but the little sprout will die. that is how you loved me. you planted me. you helped me grow. you have me sunshine and happiness. and then? you let me die inside. but im warning you, I’m no sunflower. i am a Rose. and I am full of thorns. someday, you will have to see that. but it won’t be anytime soon as long as she is around. i am moving on. but I hope you can move on from the past and see a brighter future.

love always,

”your” little demon


	9. for the girl I’ll love next.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> POV: to whoever I love next.

For the Girl I love Next,

for starters, I’d like to apologize for all the Cheesy jokes and pickup lines that come with the partnership of me. I am quite the jokester. I’m also afraid of the dark. I’m insecure about my toes. I think all oreos deserve milk. I cry a lot. I spend too much time on my phone each day. My favorite singer is Halsey. I will always make sure that you and I have a cute song that is ours and ours only.

i have an idea of who you might be. you might be a girl from Tennessee who cut her hair and I hate it now, or maybe a girl from Vincennes who blocked me out of nowhere, or maybe you’re a lover in Pennsylvania whose dad hates her red hair.

but regardless of who you are, you’ll be the next girl that I love. You might get annoyed that I hate orange juice, but I hope we have a good sense of humor together. And we can always have fruit punch instead. I’m sorry if you like coffee, I prefer tea or hot chocolate. Coffee is as bitter as my heart and I try to refrain from something that smells like skunk and marijuana in beverage form.

I’m sorry that you might hear about my eating disorder and judge me for it. I’m sorry that I ever got one in the first place. It was never my intention.

Im sorry that Everytime I hear a car with its radio on outside, I am prepared for my kidnapping or death. I will flinch sometimes when you wrap your arms around me from behind, but I promise if you warn me, I’ll be happy to let you.

I don’t like sleeping but I love to sleep at the same time. I will tell you I’m not tired but when cuddling I guarantee I will fall asleep in your arms.   
please kiss my head and tell me you love me before the night is over, because I’ll wonder every night after that if you truly do.

i need constant assurance and I fall for people way too easily so if I tell you that I love you on our one-week-anniversary, just know that it’s from the heart and I am sorry but I will never be sorry for loving you. I hope we get somewhere in life. I hope my life will conclude with you.

With love,

Hopefully the next girl that you love, too.


End file.
